change

Monday evening. Finn is sleeping in his (oh my gosh, the best thing ever) swing, and I should be napping, but I needed to write.  Life is pretty much the same every day.  Not much change.  Just a lot of changing diapers, breastfeeding, and hanging out with the smiling, cooing Finnegan.  Most days I am okay with the repetitive nature of my new life.  It's starting to feel like a bit of a routine, and as an elementary school teacher, I love routine.  There are moments, however, where I feel like I'm going a bit stir crazy.  That's when Michael takes over, and gives me time to go work out, or have a bath, or go to the grocery store.  I've been so lucky to have Michael home with me.  He is the most amazing father, and I love watching him fall in love with Finn, with every smile and expression.  Change is coming though, and as September approaches, I get very nervous about Michael having to go back to work.  Nights will be the hardest, as he is the one to help put Finn back to sleep after I breast feed.  Once Michael is back at work, I will let him sleep, and I will take over.  Not sure what that is going to look like, but I really hope Finn finds his long stretches of sleep in the next three weeks.  I look forward to taking him for walks in the morning, going to the pool, (once he is old enough), and watching him reach his milestones.  Finn, is changing every day.  He looks more and more like a little boy, and I can really spend hours just looking and interacting with him.  There are times when it's not easy, though.  It's much better than four weeks ago, but I do find it challenging keeping up with the breast feeding and the formula, and knowing if he's truly hungry or tired, or both.  Sleep, or lack thereof, is difficult,  but it's amazing how your body adjusts. Today, I took Finn out in the stroller for the first time by myself around the river.  It was hot, but there was a gentle breeze, and Finn cooperated the whole way, even fell asleep. I keep on telling myself that I need to take baby steps, and trust that even when Michael goes back to work in three weeks, I will have more knowledge and be even more confident.  I am very grateful that Finn is a good baby, and is pretty relaxed.  Tonight, I will breastfeed, change some diapers, maybe watch an episode of Portlandia with Michael, and wait for that beautiful moment when Finn falls asleep on my chest, and every worry slips away.  I know in ten years,  I will long for that moment, and I need to embrace the now, and the incomprehensible deep love I have for this little being, who I am just beginning to know and understand.