change

Monday evening. Finn is sleeping in his (oh my gosh, the best thing ever) swing, and I should be napping, but I needed to write.  Life is pretty much the same every day.  Not much change.  Just a lot of changing diapers, breastfeeding, and hanging out with the smiling, cooing Finnegan.  Most days I am okay with the repetitive nature of my new life.  It's starting to feel like a bit of a routine, and as an elementary school teacher, I love routine.  There are moments, however, where I feel like I'm going a bit stir crazy.  That's when Michael takes over, and gives me time to go work out, or have a bath, or go to the grocery store.  I've been so lucky to have Michael home with me.  He is the most amazing father, and I love watching him fall in love with Finn, with every smile and expression.  Change is coming though, and as September approaches, I get very nervous about Michael having to go back to work.  Nights will be the hardest, as he is the one to help put Finn back to sleep after I breast feed.  Once Michael is back at work, I will let him sleep, and I will take over.  Not sure what that is going to look like, but I really hope Finn finds his long stretches of sleep in the next three weeks.  I look forward to taking him for walks in the morning, going to the pool, (once he is old enough), and watching him reach his milestones.  Finn, is changing every day.  He looks more and more like a little boy, and I can really spend hours just looking and interacting with him.  There are times when it's not easy, though.  It's much better than four weeks ago, but I do find it challenging keeping up with the breast feeding and the formula, and knowing if he's truly hungry or tired, or both.  Sleep, or lack thereof, is difficult,  but it's amazing how your body adjusts. Today, I took Finn out in the stroller for the first time by myself around the river.  It was hot, but there was a gentle breeze, and Finn cooperated the whole way, even fell asleep. I keep on telling myself that I need to take baby steps, and trust that even when Michael goes back to work in three weeks, I will have more knowledge and be even more confident.  I am very grateful that Finn is a good baby, and is pretty relaxed.  Tonight, I will breastfeed, change some diapers, maybe watch an episode of Portlandia with Michael, and wait for that beautiful moment when Finn falls asleep on my chest, and every worry slips away.  I know in ten years,  I will long for that moment, and I need to embrace the now, and the incomprehensible deep love I have for this little being, who I am just beginning to know and understand.

in the moment

I think it's Monday, but I'm not sure because the days and nights are all blending together.  Although, for being sleep deprived, I'm functioning at a decent level.  Except for the moment today where I stomped up the stairs crying, "It's one thirty and I'm still in my pyjamas!" That moment passed once I had a shower.  Michael has been wonderful in coping with my outbursts, and my occasional crying session on the couch as I breast feed, or feel incompetent.  Being a mom is hard work.  I'm not going to lie, there are times where I miss our old life.  But then Finn smiles at me, and my heart melts, and I can't imagine living my life without him.
I came across this blog today.
http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-button-pushing/20130728/learning-from-the-loss-of-lisa-gibson-and-her-children
I thought I'd share it, not because I am feeling postpartum,  but because I think it is an issue that is not talked about enough.  The difficulty and challenges of being a first time mom, and how to deal with the sudden changes of life.  How, without good support, women can easily go to a dark place.  I am lucky to have an amazing husband, who gives me time to sleep, and holds me up when I am discouraged.
Finn has changed me.  My life will never be the same.  I am different physically and emotionally.  My body is scarred from the birth.  I have stretch marks, and a lovely pot belly. (Zumba is calling my name, but I'm not allowed exercise for another week.)  I won't sleep eight hours in a row for awhile.    My heart and my soul belongs to a beautiful baby, whom I am just beginning to understand and know.  This whole experience is teaching me the true meaning of living in the moment.  When Finn wants to eat, he eats.  It doesn't matter that I have just made myself lunch, his needs come first.  I get the opportunity to sit and feed him, and be present in the moment.  The other day Michael and I walked to Starbucks, with Finn in the stroller.  He woke up and I had to feed him sitting outside on the patio.  While I was feeding him, Michael and I sat and had our coffees as we watched the traffic go by.  Without Finn, we would have never had that moment.  We would have grabbed our drinks and gone shopping elsewhere. 
I'm learning every day how to let go, breathe, and trust in the moment.  Because every moment has a gift.  Especially, in the middle of the night, when a little breathing being, curls up on my chest and finally falls into a deep sleep. 

fairies from the prairies, sleep and love

Well, I thought I'd be able to write a post every day, but life has been pretty busy.  Busy with feeding, changing diapers, napping, eating, cuddling, and trying to figure out the little soul who has joined our family.  For those who don't know us well, Michael and I have been together for twenty years, and have been on our own for a very long time.  So, our lives have been completely turned upside down and inside out.  And, although it can be rough, it's also beautiful.  All this time together has given us the ability to work well as a team.  Sure, we argue at two in the morning about if we should swaddle or not swaddle, but I am so grateful we know each other so well, and we understand our own individual needs.  I don't think we could have done this in our twenties.  I love my husband more today than I ever have. Seeing him as a dad and the love he has for this baby, is one of the reasons I can get through the sleepless nights.  Another reason I can survive the sleep deprivation, came in a beautiful package this week- our friends Sarah, Brad and their children Olive and Hamish.  I call them the fairies from the prairies.  They swept in with their canoe strapped van after camping on the island, and cooked, cleaned, changed diapers, gave us time to sleep while they cuddled Finn, all the while taking care of their own amazing children.  Michael and I are in awe.  Not only are they amazing parents, they should hire themselves out as parenting consultants.  After learning about swaddling and that sleeping is really about the parents, not the child, we had the most sleep last night since Finn was born.  As we all celebrated this in our bedroom, with bed head hair and bad breath, I gave thanks for the wonderful friendship and this amazing journey. And though it's hard,  I have never felt such love.  l love this little boy with all my might. His tiny hands, his beautiful eyes, his newly discovered smile, and his feisty personality.  I love how he coos while he sleeps, his every day alertness, the way he looks at us when he hears our voices, and his daily cuddles on the couch.  We've waited a long time for these moments and they far outweigh the midnight feeds, the sore nipples, and the wriggling and screaming while we change his diaper.  Love. Plain and simple.  Just what we asked for.

full circle

Today is Luka's birthday.  She would have been three.  This year it feels all the more special.  As I lay in bed this morning, sleep deprived and drinking in the beauty of my little boy,  I thanked the universe for providing me with this child.  And I thanked it for giving me Luka, because without her, Finn would not be beside me.  Today,  we drove up the mountain, to meet another young life.  Barley, a golden lab puppy.  Barley is living the life in his new house and garden, that once was lived in by the energetic Sassy.  Sassy was a beautiful dog that I "borrowed" and walked daily while pregnant with Luka.   After Luka died, Sassy's presence in our lives allowed us to heal and grow, as we mourned the loss of our little daughter.  Sadly, Sassy died suddenly last year.  When we found out the owner's of Sassy had bought a new puppy in June, I knew that Finn and Barley were destined to meet.  And today they did.  As we took Barley for a walk through the trees, I realized I had come full circle.  New life.  New dreams.  And a new friendship blossoming between a tiny dog, and a little boy. 

Happy Birthday my little one.  We love you and miss you.

breast is best?

Breasts.  First time my breasts no longer belong to me, but to my little boy.  They have been scratched, pounded, sucked on, and snuggled.  And they are all for Finn.  Who knew breast feeding would be so challenging.  I always imagined my milk flowing like a river, because isn't that how we are built?  Isn't that why woman have breasts? To provide for our children?  In the past three and a half weeks I have cried on the couch multiple times, wondering where oh where has all the milk gone.  And then there's supplementing with formula. The "evil" formula.  Oh, the guilt I have felt over the man made milk.  But I'm learning to let go.  My wonderful husband was formula fed, and he turned out alright. Well, mostly.  I figure whatever Finn needs to thrive and grow, I will provide.  Regardless if it comes from my breasts or not. So as the day ends and melds into the next, I will forge on and hope for the breast, oops... I mean best.

it's getting easier

This is my new blog.  I figured out last night as I lay awake listening to Finn feed frantically from my very sore breast,  while watching the sun rise, I'm going to need to write about the adventures of having and raising a newborn.  Words are my way to feel out the emotional process.  I'm going to try and write every day.  Ha! My harsh critic says!  You have a newborn! Impossible.  But I need to write.  To feel. To express my thoughts, and not just my breast milk.
This is a full time plus job.  And I love it.  But man, it's hard.  Finn is unbelievably cute, thank goodness.  And I have the most amazing husband, who let's me cry as I breast feed, who can do the football hold, and tells me every minute how grateful he is that I gave him a son.  And as he walks Finn in the moonlight,  I can have a bath, fold some diapers, and write this blog.  I am grateful for the challenge.  And tonight when I am awake at two in the morning, and feeling exhausted, I just have to remember that there will be a time where I will miss this stage of life, and I will wish Finn was still a newborn, and not asking for the keys to the car.