in the moment

I think it's Monday, but I'm not sure because the days and nights are all blending together.  Although, for being sleep deprived, I'm functioning at a decent level.  Except for the moment today where I stomped up the stairs crying, "It's one thirty and I'm still in my pyjamas!" That moment passed once I had a shower.  Michael has been wonderful in coping with my outbursts, and my occasional crying session on the couch as I breast feed, or feel incompetent.  Being a mom is hard work.  I'm not going to lie, there are times where I miss our old life.  But then Finn smiles at me, and my heart melts, and I can't imagine living my life without him.
I came across this blog today.
http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-button-pushing/20130728/learning-from-the-loss-of-lisa-gibson-and-her-children
I thought I'd share it, not because I am feeling postpartum,  but because I think it is an issue that is not talked about enough.  The difficulty and challenges of being a first time mom, and how to deal with the sudden changes of life.  How, without good support, women can easily go to a dark place.  I am lucky to have an amazing husband, who gives me time to sleep, and holds me up when I am discouraged.
Finn has changed me.  My life will never be the same.  I am different physically and emotionally.  My body is scarred from the birth.  I have stretch marks, and a lovely pot belly. (Zumba is calling my name, but I'm not allowed exercise for another week.)  I won't sleep eight hours in a row for awhile.    My heart and my soul belongs to a beautiful baby, whom I am just beginning to understand and know.  This whole experience is teaching me the true meaning of living in the moment.  When Finn wants to eat, he eats.  It doesn't matter that I have just made myself lunch, his needs come first.  I get the opportunity to sit and feed him, and be present in the moment.  The other day Michael and I walked to Starbucks, with Finn in the stroller.  He woke up and I had to feed him sitting outside on the patio.  While I was feeding him, Michael and I sat and had our coffees as we watched the traffic go by.  Without Finn, we would have never had that moment.  We would have grabbed our drinks and gone shopping elsewhere. 
I'm learning every day how to let go, breathe, and trust in the moment.  Because every moment has a gift.  Especially, in the middle of the night, when a little breathing being, curls up on my chest and finally falls into a deep sleep.